What I can tell you is that in spite of how crazy/busy/tired/etc. we are, expending the time and effort to date my husband again has brought us to a point where we are closer than ever. We will celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary in a few weeks and things have never been better between us. In spite of (and possibly because of) some really rough patches, we have learned that in order for our relationship to thrive we need to check in and connect one-on-one on a regular basis.
When we make an effort to spend quality alone time as a couple we communicate more effectively, we are on the same page more frequently, we argue less, we hold hands more. In a nutshell, we are are more in tune with one-another. Does that mean it is easy and life is all sunshine and rainbows? No, of course not, but in order for a marriage to coast through the young love phase, thrive through the harried parent stage, and become that much sweeter in the empty-nest phase, you must have a healthy, connected relationship as a couple. When God said, "And the two shall become one," in Genesis 2:24 He was referring to the connectedness required for a marriage to thrive.
So, how do you make this connectedness a priority? In the book Love and War: Finding the Marriage You've Dreamed Of, John and Stasi Eldredge put it this way: "What you want to do is create an environment where over time and with intentionality, you are nurturing companionship. Every day is unrealistic; once a month isn't often enough. Somewhere in between." Just try something, anything that begins to create such an environment. The Eldredges go on to caution that it, "can feel a little awkward [at first, but to] initiate anyway, and don't be put off if your first few efforts aren't warmly received." (Love and War).
Your "dates" don't have to look like they did when you were courting, they don't have to look like the ideal set forth on TV and in movies. Personally, we have had some of the most fruitful "dates" compiling information and filling out paperwork for our foray into the world of adoption.
How do you fit it into your already crazy/hectic/over-programmed life? You could get a babysitter if availability and finances allow it. Don't have family to babysit or don't know a reliable babysitter you trust? Ask around. We have found several great sitters through the site www.care.com. If finances are an issue, get together with another family and swap date nights (you watch their kids while they go on a date and they reciprocate). Don't be afraid to ask for help. We have amazing next-door neighbors whose boys are both in college and who love our kids. They have taken care of our kids for a couple of hours so we had time to ourselves.
If a few hours away, just the two of you isn't an option, make time when your kids are otherwise occupied or sleeping. Don't feel the need to use every spare moment to "accomplish" something. The mother whose house is always spotless, who makes nutritious meals from scratch every night, has time for hobbies, is well-rested, and whose children never watch TV and behave perfectly DOES NOT EXIST - don't work yourself half to death and neglect your marriage trying to be her.
Feed the kids early and get the young ones to bed and occupy the others with books, games, movies, etc. so the two of you can eat dinner just the two of you. Linger over doing the dishes together. Go to the park and talk while the kids play. Get up before the kids and start the day with breakfast and/or coffee together. Text message or IM each other during the day or while apart. Ask each other questions and really listen to the answers. The Eldredges write, "It might now have the drama that sexual passion offers, but, 'How was your day?' might be the most beautiful gift a marriage offers. Waiting to and wanting to hear the answer conveys, 'Your life matters. Your life has meaning.'" (Love and War)
There will always be tension between giving your time and energy to your children and focusing on your relationship with your spouse. Just the other night, on our way home from an awesome date watching the KC Sporting beat Montreal, we were fretting about whether we were taking too much time away from our kids and spending too much money on babysitting. I don't think that question goes way. I do know that a stronger relationship as a couple, based on personal relationships with Jesus, provides a stronger foundation for your family to grow and thrive upon. What can YOU do this week to date your mate?
- Katrina K.
