As soon as you wake up you feel it. It’s not supposed to be there. Your mind knows that and instantly the weight increases with the layer of guilt. In the darkness you breathe deep and slow, in and out, hoping for release. Space to see the light you know is there. You pray. You praise Him even in this. You confess it to God. You ask the Holy Spirit to help you, guide you, lead you away from it. You recite scripture.
Yet, it’s still there.
I don’t know what it is for you.
For me it’s weight on my shoulders and a constricting of my chest. You desire to pull the covers over your head and stay there all day. Instead you swing your legs over the side of the bed and your feet hit the floor. Because that’s what you know you have to do. What you’re called to do.
And that’s what you’ve been doing every day in this season. You’re showing up and you’re battling as best you can. The season has been long and you’re weary. Today you go through the motions, but your heart has long since abandoned ship.
It sounds like many of us are in this season. Even if we identify these feelings and emotions without any basis in Truth we’re unable to shake them. Our emotions no longer align with what we know as truth. God’s truth, His Word. We’re reading it, writing it, reciting it and still our insides are contradicting what’s before us in black and white or even red and white.
You feel alone, unloved, and unworthy. You know He’s always with us. You are His Beloved. You were worth the ultimate sacrifice.
I continued to battle the best I knew how. Even though I continued to confess my feelings and ask for God to lift me up from the emotional pit, it didn’t happen. Even though I prayed against the devil’s schemes with all the authority given to me, it didn’t happen.
The emotions rose to bubbling over. I began to confess to others.
“I’m afraid to hope. Can you hope for me?”
Yes. They said yes.
I confessed, but I confessed safely. No one had to know or see just what a mess I was inside. How could I actually say I felt these things when I’m trying to lead others to a deeper, bigger faith??
But it became impossible to contain and in utter desperation I came clean to my husband. It almost started an argument because I didn’t start the conversation well. I just blurted out. “I feel unloved. Unloved by God, by you, just really not cared for.” He braced in preparation to defend himself and God. I quickly interrupted with the real problem. “It’s not true. I know it’s not true! But I can’t get my emotions right.” I layed it all out. He prayed for me and it helped a bit.
The next morning a friend asked how she could pray for me. It just came out. “My emotions are lying to me and even though I know Truth and am fighting for it, I can’t get out of the pit.” She prayed for me and it helped a bit.
They both continued to pray, as did those who were hoping on my behalf. I know they did because the next day I began to feel better. My feelings came under the control of Truth and my battle strategies began to create change again.
Community is important. We were made for it. Just as Moses recognized his part in the battle was to keep his arms raised toward heaven, we often know what to do and do it. Sometimes our arms get tired and we need others to come alongside us to hold us up. The victory depends on it.
So it came about when Moses held his hand up, that Israel prevailed, and when he let his hand down, Amalek prevailed. But Moses' hands were heavy. Then they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it; and Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other. Thus his hands were steady until the sun set. So Joshua overwhelmed Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword.… Exodus 17:11-13
Who do you need to invite into your mess? Who’s arms are you called to hold up?