You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~Franklin P. Jones
A few months ago, I learned that my patience for whining had run out. I could only think of two remedies for this; scream or motivate my children to do the things that needed to be done, without whining – or at least with less whining. Since my throat was sore from a sinus infection, I chose the latter (just kidding). I decided to create a reward system to get the behavior I wanted and to give them something they wanted. A win-win situation. Most of the items on our FUNList create quality time for us as a family, which is a wonderful added bonus.
There is debate on whether rewards should be given to kids to do things that should be done – however, as adults, we tend to think in terms of a reward system ourselves. People go to work and, even if they enjoy their work, expect to be paid. We volunteer because we get the reward of feeling good when we do something needed, useful, or helpful. However, since young children have not developed this internal reward system for a lot of things we need them to do, they need motivation.
As children grow, different strategies and parenting techniques work – and fail to work. The key to finding out how to motivate kids is to find out what is important to them. Most kids enjoy quality time with parents, outings, gifts, etc. Then of course there’s the balance of what they want, what you want, what you can afford to do, and what you have time to do.
First, I had to decide what was most important to me for my kids to do, specifically. If the desired behavior outcome is not specific, it typically will not work for you or your kids. There are about 50 things I would really like to see happen during the day, but I knew I had to choose only a few and they had to be doable so my kids would not give up trying to meet my expectations and end up feeling defeated. It’s important that they are able to achieve success so they can get the reward and understand what they are working for. Also, if they are not successful, then I still do not have the behavior I am looking for and it’s back to the drawing board.
As I mentioned, for my kids, WHINING is a huge issue right now. With that in mind, I chose the 4 behaviors below.
1) Morning and Night Time Routines (done without WHINING) – They each have a routine list to follow. They know what the morning and night time routines consist of and are able to do them. If they do it, but whine, then no checkmark. I give one warning.
2) Homework (done without WHINING) - They did their homework before with a considerable amount of whining included. So, adding it to the list decreased the whining to a sigh – which was a nice change.
3) Eat Healthy (done without WHINING) - Of course, I am in charge of what they eat, but I was tired of them whining about the food I served, so added this to the list.
4) Exercise (done without WHINING) - This is important in our family because my 5-year-old son is hyperactive and needs to get out and run and my 8-year-old daughter wants to exercise, but would rather watch TV, so she needs a little nudge. Even though I was already making them go outside with me and ride bikes, play tag, etc. (I know, torture, right?), they would both whine about it, so I added it to the list.
Here’s how our reward system works – After 5 days (does not have to consecutive) with all 4 boxes checked – 1 box for each behavior), my child will get to choose an item off of the FUNList. I created a sections for inexpensive, middle, and pricier. I usually verbally give them 3 choices off of the FUNList, depending on what we can do that week, and then add things to the list such as “pumpkin patch” when I want to do that anyway and then make the other 2 choices much less appealing. You have to be tricky sometimes, you know?
The number of behaviors on the list and the types of behaviors would change with age, though anymore than 5 may be too many for any age to keep up with and remember. For a 3-year-old, maybe 1 or 2 items would be all they could handle. Find out what you care about most and try incorporating that behavior - be specific. Also, the “after 5 days” system works for me because my children are older and can grasp more abstract ideas. If you have younger children or children who need more immediate rewards, you will want to change that time frame to work for them and you. Maybe your 3-year-old needs a doable reward every day.
Kids’ behaviors will change and what is most important to you will change. When that happens, change the reward system or scrap it entirely - creativity in changing parenting techniques is a must for success and peace.
Here are the items on our FUNList –some of them sound crazy because our children helped us make the list. This approach assisted my husband and me in getting the children to buy-in to the reward system.
- Tara Godard
