My Refuge, My Strength

     Does it ever feel like the trials in your life are going to crush you? Events that make you want to run away from everyone and everything; to hide among a crowd where you are unknown, or find isolation where no one can see your pain and you can cry your heart out. That was me yesterday, last week, last month and even last fall. All of a sudden I found my life, which seemed in line and on track in God’s will, crumbling before me. The death of my grandmother in November, the rock, and matriarch of my family ripped apart my heart. In witnessing her struggle to trust God in her death, clinging to every last breath, I also found myself in my own battle with trust. A battle to trust God is in control. A battle to trust God loves me and is good. A battle to trust God to redeem and heal my heart. Trusting God is my beautiful fight. Through the last few months, I have wanted to retreat from everything; from my family, from leading within church, from friends, from any sort of focus on anything outside of myself, my needs, my dreams and goals, my pain. Then yesterday while leading other women in their journey to trust God, He demonstrated His love for me by allowing me to truly experience how to trust Him, depend on Him and seek refuge in His arms.

     It’s not like God just told me what to do, I am learning He is a teacher of experience. His gentle hand was guiding me the whole way with challenges He knew I could and would lean into after I got over my own self and my own pride and my own sinful temptation to seek comfort and others’ approval. What I wanted to do was run, pack my bags and go. Check out. Seek refuge in my own home, with my own children and husband where I feel absolutely safe to be me. But I ended up in a public restroom. Sitting in a stall trying to muster up my own strength and gather my emotions and broken pieces that had shattered to the floor. Fighting the urge to run. I felt so weak. God reminded me of Psalm 91 which I actually read and processed in my journal that morning. When I read this Psalm just hours before my bathroom retreat and noticed all of the specific nouns describing God like “refuge” and “fortress”. I noticed all the action ascribed to God like “rescue” and “protect”. Glowering, I reread my part, the steps God was calling me to words like “trust” and “call” on God. Then I rewrote the psalm replacing all the pronouns to place myself as the author, not David, that had written the Psalm. At this point, I am in battle, distrusting that this Psalm is even for me. God knew what He was doing though as He spoke so tenderly to my heart through His word. He had already gone before me, preparing the way for me to walk in His light later in the day. To trust Him. To bring glory to His name.

“Because you love me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue you; I will protect you, for you acknowledge my name. You will call on me, and I will answer you.” Psalm 91:14-15 (emphasis mine)

     Tears fell to the tile floor in the bathroom.  I was resistant to carrying out what I had been called to, unsure how to follow His lead when I felt so weak. I didn’t want my weakness exposed in fear of what others might think. God reminded me of 2 Corinthians 12:9 (and confirmed it through more than one person that morning), “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So I gathered myself together with a little bit of confidence, not in myself, but in my God, and walked out of the bathroom, obediently stepping into what He has called me to do. Of course, I didn’t step out of the bathroom onto cloud 9, filled with joy, peace, and happiness. Oh no, I continued to cry, but instead of packing my bags and leaving, I pressed in. Pressed into the scripture placed on my heart.  Pressed into the hearts surrounding me desperate to also trust God. Pressed into what God had for me in these moments; that He is my refuge, my strength, in whom I trust. Glory to God in the Highest.

Blessings,

Tami Ingalls